According to advanced weather models, Chicago is about to be hit with upwards of 20″ of snow over the next few days. And, because we are all expecting hundreds of thousands of people to be stuck in their homes, AND, because we know many of you out there are very creative people, TomJalana.com is hosting our first every Snowpocalypse 2011 Theme Graphic and Photo competition open to all of our readers and their friends.

Their are two separate categories to this competition, and are as follows:
1. Theme Graphic Competition – Create a theme graphic, 412 pixels wide by 232 pixels tall (or, for you non-technical people, roughly 4.5″ wide by 2.75″ tall). The graphic must make use the words “Snowpocalypse 2011″. Other than than, we’ll leave the rest up to you. All submissions as they come in (and provided they are not obscene in nature) will be posted to our site to be voted on by the world.

2. Feature Photography Contest – Take your best snapshot and submit it to our site. Just please avoid sending a file over 4mb in size. JPEG format is preferable. The photo you submit will be judged for creativity, composition, and dramatic effect. Again, as with the theme graphic contest, all submissions will be posted to the site for vote by our viewing audience.

All submissions can be e-mailed to the address listed at this link between now and midnight on Thursday, February 3rd. Each winning entry will receive a TomJalana.com prize package, as well as be featured on our website.

TK-822, better known in the YouTube community as “Unemployed Stormtrooper” announced today that he will be entering the race for Chicago’s next mayor. Like some of the democratic candidates before him, the unemployed stormtrooper immediately played the “race card” letting the world know (specifically the blind) that he is in fact, white, and asked that all other white Stormtroopers contemplating a potential run for mayor withdraw from consideration.

“Chicago needs one consensus white Stormtrooper candidate,” said TK-822 from his campaign headquarters. “In order for us to do what’s right for Chicago, and to represent all of the other Stormtroopers out there – whether they are black (tie fighter pilots), red (Royal Guard) or green (BARC Troopers), we need the best individual to run and it just so happens, it’s me.”

No stranger to controversy, TK-822 immediately pointed out that for individuals looking to vote for Chicago’s next mayor strictly along the color barriers, his long-time friend Jawa was an excellent brown choice and that Darth Vader, whom TK-822 described as “his home boy”, would make a great choice for those wanting to vote in the black color spectrum.

While further details were still forthcoming from the unemployed stormtroopers campaign headquarters, sources close to the candidate say that TK-822 is “in this thing to win it” and asked that all supporters go to his Facebook page and download his profile picture and use it as their own to show unified support for the candidate. Additionally, TK-822 will continue to post updates to his blog at www.unemployedstormtrooper.com.

For complete coverage on today’s announcement by TK-822, click here for the video.

Over her history, Chicago is a city rich in tradition, ethnic diversity, and historical significance. From the Great Chicago Fire and the Columbian Exposition of 1893, to the Prohibition Era, Gangsters, and the birth of the Chicago Political Machine, the city’s magnificent accomplishments, while many, have also been overshadowed by what in recent years have been a laundry list of almost-did’s.

Here are our Top 10 Issues of the past 30 years Chicago thought she solved for the world, but came up short.

#10 – Entertaining Housewives. Only in America, and only if it’s Oparh. She’s defeated every mid-day talk show host every network has put up against her since 1984. But with her eminent retirement looming, desperate housewives will find themselves flipping channels in search of Oprah’s Favorite Things, only to be disappointed. Who will fill the void and save the world from an impending housewife uprising?

#9 – Urban Renewal. From the failed urban development policies of the 1940’s through the 1960’s, Cabrini-Green, Robert Taylor Homes, and Rockwell Gardens will always be a stain on Chicago’s reputation for urban development, no matter how many giant beans, lake front parks, or luxury Trump building appear in the city this century.

#8 – Chicago Cubs World Series Drought. We all thought 2003 would be the year the Chicago Cubs finally returned to the World Series. At that time, 57 years had eclipsed and a generation-and-a-half of the human population passed away, nobody will be remembered for the epic failure of those 2003 Cubs more than Steve Bartman. Yes – we all know seven years later that Bartman wasn’t the initial fan that interfered with the foul ball, and that he also wasn’t playing shortstop later in the inning when Miguel Cabrera hit a routine double play (or so we thought).

#7 – Graffiti Removal. No stranger to controversy, on March 31st of 2003, Mayor Richard Daley decided to join in the gangland “tagging” fun that was plaguing neighborhoods around the city, but in typical Chicago style, the mayor did it up proper. Eyeing one of the largest areas under Federal jurisdiction, Mayor Daley, along with his posse of private contractors, tagged several large X-shaped gouges into Meigs Field, permanently closing a chapter on the city’s relationship with private aviation. To this date, the runway has yet to be restored to its original condition by the mayor’s Graffiti Removal program and is now better know in gang terminology as Northerly Island
(Continue on…)

#5 – Vote Early, Vote Often. A slogan that rose from the ashes after The Great Chicago Fire of 1871, it has continued to be twisted over the past dozen decades by the likes of the Chicago greats: Cermack, Thompson, Kelly, Richard J Daley, and continues on with the recent generations of political leaders, Vrdolyak, Rostenkowski, and Jesse Jackson Jr.

#4 – Ending Brett Favre’s playing career. Monday night’s beat-down of the Minnesota Vikings was great to see, but the knock-out blow delivered by Chicago Bears rookie defensive end Corey Wootton was the highlight of the evening (Minnesota withstanding). Unfortunately, as long as Favre can put on a pair of Wranglers and is provided unlimited text messages for sexting, something tells us he’s far from completely done.

#3 – Home of the 2016 Olympics. Chicago, in all her glory and financial debt, really did want to host the 2016 Olympics. What’s a few billion dollars in expenses here and there to a city that at any given minute, can lease anything city-owned that we want for the next 99 years? Don’t think we’re serious about our bid? Oprah, the First Lady and POTUS will drop in to lecture you about our seriousness between their lay-over flight to Kazakhstan.

#2 – Authoring the tell-all “How-To Privatize City Contracts” series. Maintaining the paltry 8 miles of the Calumet Skyway? Who needs it. Sell it to Australians and Spanish and let them worry about it. We’ll take the $1.83 billion cash infusion and help plug the gaps in the city’s budget. City parking meters? Rent those too. Who cares if our residents have to deal with the increase in fees. We’re Chicago. Need we say more?

#1 – Removing Rahm Emanuel from Washington. Just when you thought he packed his things and headed off to the Nation’s capital for good, to play Tonto to Obama’s Lone Ranger, Mr “I-still-live-here-even-though-I’ve-been-away-in-Washington-for-the-past-two-years-to-advise-the-President” Emanuel is back in town, kicking the tires in his hopeful bid as successor to Mayor Richard Daley. And just when you thought the rampant corruption was leaving the city, look what the cat dragged in…

Don’t worry about the Pancetta, Proscuitto, Provolone, Romano, Feta and Parmasen. Those are Italian and Greek products and may offend your guests’ taste buds. Just focus on using the Ricotta and Mozzarela as those two ingredients are liked and widely accepted by nearly every nationality, Hollywood elites and local union leaders. Plus reducing the amount of ingredients will make it harder to screw anything up. For the sauce, use something red-colored and authentic-sounding, like Prego.

Now, carefully follow this repeating layering pattern: noodles, beef, cheese, sauce, noodles, beef, cheese, sauce.

We are almost there and we know you are finally getting the hang of it, but CAUTION! The last two steps are different, so pay close attention. After the sauce (from the previously mentioned pattern), you add the noodles BUT, the last step – contrary to what you may think, is not beef. It’s cheese! That’s right! Cheese!

Now, if you’ve used too much of any of the ingredients and don’t have enough to complete the recipe, fear not. Call your neighbor and see if they have any of the items. You can pay them back later. Just remind them that sharing is caring.

Finally, stick the pan in the preheated over to bake for 20 minutes (be sure you have adult supervision when operating the oven – ovens have been known to burn people). Using oven mitts, remove the pan from the oven, being careful not to touch the sides of the oven. If you do happen to burn yourself, contact your lawyer and start a class-action lawsuit against the oven manufacturer. If nothing’s gone amiss, the pan is ready to rest. Let the piping-hot lasagna cool before serving.

While this Democratic Lasagna will lack the complex flavors from its Republican counterpart, it can be made by anyone of voting age. While this recipe has been described by many as generic, bland and unoriginal, we think it’s the best lasagna recipe we know because you get more of the same, bite after bite. It’s cheaper and faster to make, and, you can tell your friends just how much you respect and appreciate the delicate intricacies of Italian cooking when talking to them on your Palm Treo between reruns of Jersey Shore, the final season of Oprah Winfrey and episodes of the Rachel Maddow Show.
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Ed Sochacki is a frequent content contributor for TomJalana.com and is owner of the Chicago-area website design agency, Sochacki Communications.

Palos Heights Mayor Bob Straz practices for the upcoming Chamber of Commerce Annual Scholarship Golf Outing at Water's Edge Golf Course

If you thought Tiger Woods was the best golfer in the world, think again.

Palos Heights Mayor Bob Straz has been honing his golf game for the past 12 months and says he’s “never been golfing better.” TJSN analyst agree that Straz may just possibly be better than Tiger Woods was in his prime – possibly.

“I’ve been golfing a long, long time,” said Straz, “mostly in community and charity events but I think now’s the time to unleash my “A” game.”

Straz is no stranger to the game. As Mayor of Palos Heights, he’s had to rub elbows with some of the best golfers in the area each year when they attend the Palos Heights Chamber of Commerce Annual Scholarship Golf Outing. This year though, Straz expects to mop up the competition.

“A lot of people don’t know how good I really am. People will tell you that I shoot in the high 90′s, but when you adjust that number for relative inflation and subtract the current interest rates associated with my score, federal bail-out money and the National Debt, you’ll see that the real number is closer to low-60′s. And that goes for every round.”

Straz issued a challenge that he’d like to see as many people as possible to come out and be part of the Palos Heights Chamber of Commerce Annual Scholarship Golf Outing, which is being held this year on Wednesday, August 11th at Water’s Edge Golf Course. If not to come out to try and beat him and his team, then to help support the college scholarship funds the event raises for local-area high school seniors.

TJSN found some footage from a recent practice session the mayor had last week and issued the following statement: “We here at TJSN believe that if the Mayor Straz plays anything like the putting he displayed in this video, other foursomes will have no problem beating his team on August 11th. While we publicly apologize to Mayor Straz for airing this video, we hope that it encourages people to download the registration form and come out and “stick it to the man” and his team.”

“Everyone knows that if I don’t call you, it means that the game is taking place,” Senese said. “We don’t have a switchboard operator that is going to make calls to everyone to tell them to show up.”

While Senese was correct that the Diamondbacks do not have a switchboard in place to reach their players in an expedited manner, sources within the organization say that funding was approved in 2007 to purchase the communications system.

“I’ve been a member on this team since 1998,” said veteran pitcher Ed Sochacki, “and I know that we had raised concerns about the speed in which information was delivered to the players. I had thought that (Senese) made the purchase.”

Other team members agreed and have now begun questioning other apparent purchases made on behalf of the organization and have never seemed to materialize.

“I purchased a whole new set of catcher’s gear for the team just last year, and here we are on Opening Day and it’s missing,” said Jim Cezak. “I’m not going to point any fingers at anyone, but is it possible that someone traded that in, along with their gold chains in a Cash4Gold.com scam? I don’t know… but certainly I’m starting to open my eyes.”

Fortunately for the Diamondbacks, the Cicero Devils showed why they are a class-act organization and allowed the Diamondbacks to utilize their catcher’s helmet and several batters’ helmets.

Senese, when questioned, said that there was some confusion as to whether former manager Joe Cipolla was going to be coming to the game and whether he would be bringing the equipment.

“It’s all safe and nobody traded it in for cash – neither at Cash4Gold.com or at Play It Again Sports. We have it. It’s here. Everyone can call off the dogs,” he said.

But the response from Senese is a familiar one to a number of players on the team. As of the start of the 2010 season, the Diamondbacks are missing more than 15 team jerseys from former players that either didn’t return to play another year or, didn’t pay team fees for the jerseys they kept. Several jerseys have been spotted in recent months on eBay, selling for just over $165 – well above retail and the back-of-the-trunk pricing found on Maxwell Street.

“I don’t know where the jerseys are,” said Senese – who just so happened to be sporting a new Rawlings 6-finger glove and mobile phone, “but I’ll look into these allegations and keep everyone posted.”

In the meantime, Diamondback players that are uncertain about the status of Sunday morning games should call Senese directly on his mobile phone hotline with questions. And, as Senese eventually figures out how to record a message on his phone, he’ll provide updates through the voicemail feature.

That should be all the D-Backs need to field a full team for the rest of the season, jerseys or not.

Evergreen Park Diamondback veteran pitcher Ed Sochacki was looking forward to reporting to the team’s Spring Training facilities at the beginning of March but rather than heading south, he’s heading north two weeks earlier to the Mayo Clinic in Rochester, Minnesota for a comprehensive health evaluation.

Sochacki cut his 2009 baseball season short, foregoing Lombard’s Fall Ball league due to an undisclosed medical ailment that had been ailing him since September 2008, despite going 8-0 with a 2.43 ERA over 11 appearances with the D-Backs last summer.

According to team sources who asked to be unnamed, Sochacki’s announcement of his four-day trip comes at a surprise and at an interesting time in the franchise’s history as their core group of players are aging/retiring and there’s little progress in signing younger talent because of the team’s financial situation. Sochacki said that on numerous occasions, his agent attempted to contact manager Sergio Senese to apprise him of the situation, but that none of the calls were returned. Said Sochacki “if (Senese) cares about my status, he can pick up the phone and call me, or my agent. He has the number.”

This situation isn’t the first time something like this has been seen on Chicago’s southside. In 2005, after spending eight seasons with the Chicago White Sox, Maggilo Ordóñez signed with the Detroit Tigers after the Sox were unable to reach his agent for a report on the extent of a knee injury suffered when colliding with infielder Willie Harris.

Former Diamondback manager Joe Cipolla weighed in on the situation from his home in Lombard. Said Cipolla, “If Senese remembers history correctly, he might want to contact his player, or risk losing him to free agency. Maybe he should ask Ozzie Guillen if he regrets any of his decisions in ’04,” he said.

According to several Diamondback players, the relationship between Sochacki and Senese could be described as “tepid” at best. The two exchanged words via their respective websites last year; Sochacki authoring the now-famous video “Argentina Not Crying for Senese” (in response to Senese’s tyraid against his players last June), Senese rebutting (July ’09) by removing Sochacki’s 2008 pitching stats from the team’s website – in addition to removing the link to TomJalana.com, and finally this past fall, with Sochacki modifying a scene from Tom Cruise’s “Valkyrie” poking fun at the lack of current information on the team’s website.

With the team’s annual candlelight bowling fundraiser coming up on February 27, Sochacki’s attendance, or lack there of it, will give Senese, other teams in the league, and the public a good indication on what jersey, if any, he will be wearing at the start of the 2010 season.

Tomjalana.com will be sending a reporter to the Mayo Clinic to provide coverage on the situation surrounding Sochacki’s health and any breaking news on his future with the team. For the most up-to-the-moment coverage, fans are encouraged to follow @tomjalana on Twitter or Tom Jalana on Facebook.

Overall, only two members of the 22-person crew escaped without being infected by the virus. Actress Jesse Moorsey and Executive Producer Tom Jalana managed to collect all of their belonging Saturday morning, moments before the CDC and Fema came to quarantine the building.

“We were all here to make a film, and suddenly, 18 hours into the 48-hour film, people were like zombies – their brains weren’t functioning,” said Jalana.

Fortunately for Flying-J Studios, Jalana and Moorsey fled as far as possible from the infected studio, to Palos Heights where they regrouped and schemed, determined to do what they set out to do: make an award-winning movie.

Said Moorsey, “After all the driving, the wasted time from Friday to Saturday, and the fact that 20 people from our crew were hit with the noncreativity virus and quit, we were just happy to pull something off other than my clothes.”

In the early morning hours prior to the virus hitting the team, stuntman Jimmy Klatt and Special Assistant to the Director Joe Kessen were outside with Moorsey shooting promotional images for the movie’s posters. When Moorsey emerged from her trailer and disrobed for her final shot with the studio’s 2007 BMW, Kessen remembered something not feeling quite right.

“It was as if whatever the virus was, it descended on everyone right at the end of the photoshoot,” he said. “We all started feeling funny.”

Although the team continued to work diligently throughout the night and morning, finally settling on three steamy poster designs, work began to quickly come to a halt when veteran staff writer Nate Winter started experiencing cramps in his writing hand, which rapidly developed into a full-blown case of writer’s block.

As Kessen finished uploading the free, downloadable posters to the web, Winter had collapsed on the ground, moments after calling it quits.

Chaos ensued as crew members frantically panicked about the office, searching for the nearest exit.

“Jesse and I were coming upstairs from the set, and all we could see was people running about the office with looks of despair and desparation on their faces,” said Jalana. “We just knew something was wrong – and that’s when we heard the sirens.”

Seven unmarked, black GMC Tahoes poured into the parking lot, followed by 3 white conversion vans. According to Jalana, at least three dozen men, dressed in quarantine uniforms ran into the building from the front entrance, the final person in locking the door to the studio.

“It was a pandemic, an outbreak the likes of which we haven’t seen in this lifetime,” said Moorsey. “The creativity was just sucked right out of the entire crew, and they just couldn’t fight it anymore and they gave in. It was just so sad to see.”

Fortunately for Moorsey and Jalana, they were able to flee out the back door before the CDC closed off all exits.

“We got out of there as fast as we could. We were determined to make this movie for our fallen companions,” Jalana said.

So to the southside the pair headed, eventually settling at Palos Heights, IL.

“Tom had a few connections with the townfolk and he thought we could get something done out there with the short amount of time we had left,” said Moorsey.

With 26 hours remaining on the clock, the tandem went through the available wardrobe for Moorsey that they managed to swipe from the set. The one wardrobe box Jalana managed to grab happened to have just returned from the recent Brittany Spears World Concert Tour. “I guess I wasn’t looking at what I grabbed,” he said with a wink.

With the stage set for Moorsey to play a new mother with a husband deployed in Afghanistan, Jalana quickly went to work on filling in the holes to the story. “Ideas were coming fast and furious, and we just had to shoot and go, shoot and go,” he said.

Finally, the two came up with the perfect scenario to showcase the prop (an apple) that needed to be featured in the film.

“Tom asked what we can do to really draw attention to the apple, and I thought to myself, ‘what if I eat it?’” said Moorsey. “The scene really worked out well. I don’t think an apple has ever looked that good in hi-definition.”

“Moorsey was right. How about them apples?” said Director of Photography Taras Zharov, from his hospital room where he was recovering with the rest of the members from the crew. “It was a great shot, as I’m sure all of you will agree.”

Zharov went on to says that he was proud that both Jalana and Moorsey managed to do what they said they would do despite the lack of the film crew, additional actors/actress, writers, sound and audio engineering. “I’m particularly proud of Tom for sticking it out and representing Flying –J Studios as well as he did, despite only having 24 hours left to pull something off,” he said.

Moorsey pulled a few things off as well, the most major being her first film in which she starred. “It was such a rewarding experience, despite the fact I didn’t get paid,” she said. “Perhaps I should have stayed in character and kept all the money Katelyn earned during the movie,” Moorsey said with a laugh.

After meeting with editor Augie Augenstein and producing the final cut, Jalana raced to Capitol Bar and Grill on Chicago’s North Side, getting the final paperwork and movie in just two minutes before the 7:30pm cut-off on Sunday.

“It just doesn’t get any tighter than that,” he said. “There were some flaws in the picture, which we would have liked to have corrected, but all-in-all, we were proud of the story we were able to tell, despite this being a last-resort effort.”

“Last Resort” will be premiering Sunday, August 2nd at 5:30pm at Portage Theatre (4050 N. Milwaukee, Chicago, IL 60641). Tickets are $10 at the door, with a post-movie awards celebration at Capitol Bar and Grill.

Movie posters and wallpapers, including the three planned sequels to “Last Resort” are no longer available for download.