Cubs File Chapter 11

By Tom Jalana
for TJSN.com

Published: October 12, 2009

The Chicago Cubs past signings of Milton Bradley, Kosuke Fukudome, and Kevin Gregg were all that it took for the team’s new owner Tom Ricketts to realize that the team could sink no lower – that is until a minute detail in the final sales contract came to light.

Fearing the new owner of the Cubs would start a fire sale of under-performing superstars and untalented farm-club prospects, as well as issuing contract extensions to deserving players, the Tribute Company filed for Chapter 11 protection – not for financial reasons, but to protect the franchise from possibly winning a World Series title.

“We signed Milton Bradley, Kosuke Fukudome, Kevin Gregg and Alfonso Soriano for a reason,” said Cubs general manager Jim Hendry. “These guys, for what they were paid, come out every day and do little to justify their salaries. But that’s exactly what we want from them.”

According to some owners around the league, the Chicago Cubs franchise is worth more as a team without a World Series title than with one. Said one owner (asking to be unnamed), “name one other team in all of professional sports that could consistently draw millions of clueless fans to the park every year under the banner of ‘hope’ and ‘progress’.

Back in 1909, the Chicago Cubs marketing department came up with the slogan, “Wait ‘til next year” after a disappointing season and since then, it’s become the longest-running tag line in the history of advertising.

“We could have brought in better talent, like an Alex Rodriguez or Jake Peavy, and we could have let underperformers like Bradley and Soriano sign with other teams, but then, we’d have to go out and spend additional money on an advertising agency that understands how to market a winning product, like BHI Design or one of the other elite creative agencies out there,” said Hendry. “Why pay for a new creative campaign when the one from 101 years ago still works?”

Insiders within the Ricketts circle have been fuming over the Chapter 11 clause and are now more determined than ever to purchase the team and put them on a winning course. To help expedite the transition, the Federal Trade Commission was asked to look into anti-trust violations committed by The Tribune Company. According to legal documents obtained by TomJalana.com, the Cubs stand accused of creating a monopoly on losing, with several current baseball owners supporting the claim.

“I’ve owned my team for decades, and no matter what (POS) team I put on the field year-after-year, the Cubs consistently have a longer run at failure and thus, a leg-up on my team when it comes to attracting sympathy supporters,” said the owner. “They’ve been the lovable losers for as long as anyone alive can remember.”

If the FTC finds in favor of Ricketts and his ownership team, the Tribune Company will be forced into one of two decisions. They will either finalize their deal with Ricketts and nullify several multi-year contracts with current players allowed to take lateral positions as delivery drivers within the Tribune Company for the same pay and the Cubs will have the Chapter 11 status removed, or, the deal will be voided, leaving the Cubs in the hands of its current owner for the next several years.

Said one current Tribune executive, “this team, the one that won nothing in 100 years, was worth $1 billion before the recession hit and if we decide to hold on to the team until the economy recovers in a few years, someone will pay $1.1 billion for it. That’s a $335 million net gain, so why sell?”

Other executives aren’t as positive and think the team should be sold now. “The city lost the Olympic bid for 2016, and with it went all the world’s media and attention on what we have going on up north.” The Obama’s, Daley’s and Winfrey – they’re Sox fans, so is it a surprise we lost the bid?” he said.

Said another, “We sell losing, curses and eternal optimism and the Chinese don’t import that. As a matter of fact, they have a few “prospects” they’d like to export to us to help us start heading in the right direction – and that would make for bad business, so the time to sell is now.”

Regardless of the outcome, expect more of the same from the loveable losers from the Northside, and in the meantime, look for Peter Francis Geracci and his Chapter 11 commercials to become a big sponsor for the Cubs team in 2010.

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